GOODBYE LOVER, GOODBYE FRIEND

This is a letter of goodbye written to a lover back in 2004. It was a good time until the truth caught up with me and I had to bid farewell...

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Dear Ramon,

It has taken me several letters to write this down, and I hope this last one would be able to say all the things that I want to tell you.

I wake up today feeling a deep sense of dread. I paced back and forth here in my room asking myself if I should or should not write you. The one who cares so much in me decided that I should.

You have been a deep influence in my life for the past three months since we first saw each other in your car. That Sunday evening when you invited me and I first glimpsed you in the dark, the first thought that ran into my mind was, “This is going to be another interesting one-night stand.” It did turn out to be quite interesting… and it evolved into so many things that I thought I would never experience again. It was an adventure knowing so many things about you, that sometimes it became too heady. It bore upon me so much that I lost sleep thinking of so many things about you and made me see things in me that I thought was not there anymore.

I had this thought that I carried for the past few years thinking that I will never fall in love again. But with you, I did. I asked myself countless times before I professed it. I was even quite careful not to enunciate it until I was sure of myself. Eventually, I did and I don’t regret any part of it.

I told you so many things about me, and you did too. You showed me your life. You told me your past. You even showed me part of your dreams. I clearly remember asking you what your deepest desire was but you couldn’t give an answer. You know what? You did. When you showed me your house, I found out what it was. You want to build a family of your own and that house was the beginning of it. You shaped it according to what you desire for yourself someday. The pictures of your nieces were quite telling. You someday dream of having children of your own with a loving wife and a warm home. Now that I think about it, I am quite glad you made me see that part of your future.

You showed me pictures of Maryanne. I saw in her a woman deeply in love with you. In her is a woman who has latched upon you her hopes for someday to become a proper wife to a good husband, to care for him, to nurture him, to build a home with him. To a woman that’s the culmination of every desire she has in life and has prepared for. I have seen and known that so well amongst the closest females in my life, beginning with my own mother up to my closest friend.

You showed me another part of your life – the one that you allowed me to share with you. In total contrast to the house you built, to the future that you see yourself in with Maryanne, the apartment you shared with James is a picture of a life you have lost control of.

I didn’t keep from you the way I reacted when you first allowed me to enter the confines of that apartment. I was appalled. It was in disarray and confusion. You tried so hard to keep things in order and yet you cannot. Behind the door of that apartment, life, as you have known for the past few years, is crumbling. You know that pretty well. In fact, I don’t even have to say it to you but I will.

I do not doubt the care you have for James. You’ve shown it several times in the way you tell of him and the lengths you have to go to in order to show him you still care and love him. That night, listening to a radio program you both shared, I saw in your eyes the fondness of a past lived and still wanting to have. I also quite remember several instances when you’d have to fetch him because you think he is incapable of taking care of his own way home to your shared apartment. The things I saw in there revealed so much on how you can care for someone totally different from you. You are introspective and he is not. You are well ordered while he is an anti-thesis to the concept. You pride yourself with your accomplishments, whilst he, much older than you, is still smarting from the lack of it and is struggling still to stand on his own.

I admire the way you try to help him. I admire the way you try as you might, to give him the will to stand again. I admire the sense of direction that you try to bring back into his life. I even admire the way you are grateful for the things that he has done for you – for how he has taught you the basic necessities of single living. I admire the duty you have for him. If only you were his husband (or wife) you would stand proud amongst the plethora of partners who persevered in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, you are not.

I see in your eyes the disappointments with him. His failures have caused in you a deep wound, for how can someone who has taught you so much fail you in the end? You even admitted that you are unsure if he still loves you. And yet you stay.

It is clear to me that you met me, and so many others, thinking that you will find in others an image of the James you once knew. I don’t have to mention the others, but it is clear that many of them failed you as well. You say you admire me for my brain, that I can see through the many layers you’ve woven around yourself. You say you admire Raymond for his maturity and the way he says things to you that you like to hear. I tell you, you are longing to see James the way you knew him before. I do hope I am wrong in this assumption. But every time you speak of him, every time you say his name… your eyes cannot betray your longing.

Ramon, despite the fact that you both share the same bed, you have drifted apart. He has long drifted from you and you are now left with a memory. You said to me once that you feel so alone and I told you that you don’t have to. To hear it from you, it was so heart-rending. I still shed a tear. For how could someone so sure of himself be lost in his own sadness? How can someone, who repeatedly said that he is happy and has peace, be not? You look for love and a sense of belonging from others thinking that the wound of longing for a lost love be healed in the laps of other men. You looked for it in me and I have blindly given it, thinking I could give it and hope for something in return. But what tears me apart, is that you will eventually be looking for healing in the embrace of someone who truly loves you and is about to commit herself to you. And here, I speak of Maryanne.

I mentioned that it is every woman’s desire to be a wife and a mother. Their nature dictates it. From them life will spring forth. Hope will be nurtured and bred from their wombs. Maryanne is not exempt from this. From the actuations that she has shown in your descriptions, she is about to embrace her eventual future with you. And it is in us men who have chosen a woman, to give ourselves fully in partnership to fulfill our part in bringing forth this life and sharing in it. There can be no room for mistakes.

She has expectations from you. Expectations that you are fully aware of – a proper house, a proper life and a proper husband. No more, no less. For a woman, nothing is more precious than a child. A child completes her. And it is a man’s duty to be complete for his woman and his child. Now I ask you, how complete will you be for her? And I ask again, the same way I asked you last Friday… how much do you love her in order for you to complete her?

I accept the fact that we met in strained circumstances. I now even look back thinking, I do not regret having known you, even when everything was in vain. I am a man who fell in love with a man who is longing for a lost love with another. To you, it is not normal. To me, I accept it as part of my humanity. The irony of it is I persisted, knowing our values are different. Even now, deep inside me, I hope for you to be here. But that will never be. I even think you are incapable of being even a friend with those you’ve had shared intimate moments with, including me. It saddens me if I find out that I am right; that all you said before were mere sugar coated lies just to please my ears. But they don’t matter. I am going to be a mere memory years down the road.

What saddens me more is you are about to embark on a path where you will eventually be making a vow to someone who you profess your love to and is about to give her entire life to you, and you will be building that on sandy soil.

I have known many men who began their married lives thinking everything is in order, as long as they can keep their secrets well hidden. Here’s an irony; despots do that. Men who make other people suffer do that. Men who conquer and divide do that. Keeping secrets is a strategy every man who desires to have everything in life use well. You are an intelligent man who keeps secrets. You will eventually do that as well.

What prompted me to say this? The knowledge you’ve given me about yourself: the pain you still bear for James, the intimacy you’ve shown with other men including me, the confusion occurring in your hidden life, the lost boy inside you who is still struggling with his sexual identity… these are all so telling of a crumbling belief in your self. You are losing control of your life and your secrets are bearing heavily on you. These are strong words I sincerely hope are wrong. But that is the truth I see in you.

I do not condemn you. I cannot and I will never condemn you. But I cannot be party to deception.

I tell you now as a friend who loves you deeply, to please… and I beg you, to look deep inside you, to seek your own truth, no matter how painful for you to be able to discern what you seek in your life. You mentioned that while growing, you never had anyone to tell your deepest emotions. I am honored that you shared them with me. Now that the person who was supposed to be easing your loneliness cannot meet anymore the demands of your life, I bear the burden of knowing your inner thoughts. Discern well. Let your love guide you towards a decision that will not be based on whether you will please those around you. Be guided by the truth. A woman gives life. A man makes life. We, as men, shape this life. We shape our own lives. We also have the capacity to destroy this life.

When I came to know and accept the truth about myself, whatever it was, I embraced it. I allowed those who I love to share in it. I made my life richer. And I fervently hope that those who shared in mine that their lives have become richer as well. I pray the same thing for you. I pray that your life is based on truth and love.

Ramon… despite the pain knowing you have caused in me because of your confusion and disarray in your secret life, I bear this in dignity and grace. You know pretty well, from all the conversations we’ve had, how much I wish for you.

The truth, as been often said, hurts.

And painfully, like a knife slicing through my flesh, this is the truth I see and I must embrace it.

With this letter, from the deepest recesses of my heart, I am saying goodbye to you.

Peter